Vast Ocean

Yesterday morning, Russ and I woke up early and drove to Santa Monica for our very first ocean swim. We were so excited and I was actually VERY nervous about the water being cold. That to me would be pain and you fear pain. It's the same as going to get a root canal. You are not afraid that something is going to happen during the procedure, just that you know you are subjecting yourself to pain and a generally unpleasant experience.

To my surprise, the water was a balmy 67. In the wetsuit, it was quite nice. My beginning group of 3 with our leader Conrad marched into the water to practice getting in and out. We learned to duck dive under waves, which I thought were scary and big. Conrad agreed that the conditions were not favorable to a beginner. I actually had a great time going under the waves and was doing very well. And then I panicked. We were to swim past the waves to the calm. And I went in to try to swim and the ocean, the big waves, the salt water it all literally came crashing down on me. I tried to get into my swimming rhythm, but couldn't seem to breathe. I needed to stop and try to center myself but we were right in the middle of the waves parts. There was no resting. You had to swim under the waves and I couldn't put my head under anymore. I remembered a time when I got stuck in the middle of a lake because Edward wanted me to swim back to the boat so he could windsurf alone. The boat wasn't anchored. i found myself right in the boat path, alone and helpless. And I remembered the time when I was 4 at a swimming lesson. The teacher was away at the moment so I decided to show off for my mom who was watching from the side. The pool was too deep, I couldn't swim yet and I panicked. My mom just sat and watched. She later told me she thought I'd learn faster if she didn't try to help. I was alone and helpless. Swimming back in was almost impossible. If it weren't for that annoying little girl cheering me on, I don't think I would have made it. And actually, it also made me think that I don't know if I could cheer on the annoying little girl, as a side note. She was just too annoying.

I don't know if I can do the swim.......