Duncan is gone

Brave Sir Duncan, Knight of Three Legs, slipped peacefully away today around noon. We couldn't have asked for a better passing.

Dr Liz was running a bit late, which timed out OK since Richard, the mortuary guy, was running early. They know each other and were able to chat via cell phone to let the other know the appropriate timing. Dr Liz was so understanding and loving. She agreed that it was time. She said Duncan looked tired. He did. He'd lost about 4 pounds and his fur was dull as were his eyes. Although today he was looking directly at us, I think to say goodbye.

He sat in my lap on the wicker chair on the back porch. He was ready I think. He slowly went under the anethstesia, but quickly responded to the barbituate. It was less than a minute after she administered the barbituate. And then the most extraordinary thing happened. I felt a rush of energy, something like when you drink a caffinated beverage. And then right after that I felt a profound happiness. It made me smile. It was then that Dr Liz said that his heart had stopped. After she left, I mentioned it to Russ and he felt the exact same thing at the same time. It really felt as if Duncan's spirit was released from a cage, expanding and rejoicing. We know without a doubt that it was the right thing and that Duncan is happy.

Richard came when we were ready and put Duncan in a box. At that point we had sort of detached ourselves a bit from his body and it wasn't as hard as I expected to let him go. We let Paxton in to understand. He came in, sniffed, walked away then stopped in his tracks and turned around and came back with a suspicious look on his face. He sniffed closer, then turned away slowly. He's been sitting in Duncan's favorite spots ever since.

We have spent the rest of the day crying a cleaning the house. I wanted to remove all traces of sick Duncan, the blood, the barf, the baby food stains. We replaced all that with pictures of happy Duncan. That's how we want to remember him.

I miss him so much already.

I bet he's happy to have his leg back.

Hanging with the Dude

We're sitting in the big round chair right now. Duncan's tail is wagging, as it has been constantly for the past 10 days. He seems really uncomfortable and has a sad look in his eyes. He sat for a while in his sunbeam, which he loves so much. But generally, he won't stay in one place long. he's restless. His mouth is covered in evaporated milk, sweet potatoes and catsip. I put the evaporated milk in my coffee as a way of sharing something.

Russ decided to dress up and shower for the occasion, in respect to our dear friend. I will follow suit. I think maybe a gray and white outfit in honor of my beloved knight.

I took Duncan around the yard to look at stuff, grass, plants, roses, mint. Paxton killed all the catnip, but he wouldn't have liked it today anyway. He has such a strange look in his eyes. Not vacant like it was a few days ago. It seems a little delusional, as if he's trying to remember who I am. I think he's just a little nutty from not eating or maybe the cancer. He tried to eat litter a couple of times. But I stare into those little green eyes and know how much I will miss them. I love those eyes.

2:13 am

I'm awake. Duncan's awake. It's our last night together. He's been out of it for most of the evening, but sudden;y seemed awake. He didn't want to eat, but now I can't get back to sleep so here I am.

The outpouring of love has been wondeful. I think we've aligned ourselves with a good group of pet friendly friends.

I was just thinking of Duncan's little ears. His left ear, especially after the amputation has been so dirty. I suppose he can't clean it as well, although he has never cleaned his own ears. Apparently, it's a trait of dominant cats. They expect other cats to clean it for them.

Ah. Sir Duncan was thirsty. His official title is Brave Sir Duncan of Donuts, Knight of Three Legs. But around here, we just call him The Dude. And no matter what, The Dude abides.

Duncan update

He's so distant. He stares into space, sometimes looking through me. Sometimes he looks at me, into my soul it feels like. There was a point last night in which he stared so deeply into my eyes, I felt a connection that I rarely feel even in humans. It was very intense and brough tears to my eyes. He was reaching out to me I think to make me feel better. That seems to be his only concern lately is to make us feel better. He's given up on himself.

He drinks water like crazy and sometimes eats a little baby food. But he's gone. The cat I know is gone. So why is it so hard to make that final decision? I strongly believe that life should be fun and spontaneous. Having a pet euthanized is neither. And I always believed death should be spontaneous as well.

I bought a stone heart on Sunday at the garden center. It says "giggle" on it. When I picked it up today, it broke. I am consistantly disappointed in how much my life is filled with such literal metaphors. Maybe disappointment is a strong word. Amused perhaps.

And still, life goes on.

Duncan and End of Days

Duncan is really, really sick. He barely eats, and only baby food at that. He has that distant look in his eyes most of the time. Here he is with Paxton who has taken to protecting him even though Duncan has kicked his ass for 15 years.

This is my post to the Yahoo feline cancer group:

Sir Duncan of Donuts is having a slightly better day. We discovered
the miracle of baby food. Turns out he doesn't want to chew. He may
have fallen on his jaw perhaps or his teeth hurt. the vet didn't see
anythign wrong on tuesday, but it wasn't his normal vet. Regardless,
baby food is the only thing I can get him to eat. Ham, turkey and
sweet potatoes. He always liked orange food, except oranges. He's
been very alert today which is really nice. But he still depends on
Taxi Mom and Taxi dad to cart him around. He has so much trouble
walking. I know there isn't much time left, so I cherish this happy
day so much.